Jim Gaffigan is right (and is the source of this post’s title). We admire beauty above most else in this country (this world?), despite all that’s been taught by teachers (probably ugly teachers) and parents. Beauty shouldn’t be all that matters. As ethical beings, we should be able to look beyond physical appeal when evaluating our various options.

But the one outlet that has for so long stood strong against the ravages of superficiality has come under attack as of late. Ugly people, you are no longer royalty in the world of novels. Katie Price, Courtney Thorne Smith, Lauren Conrad, Meg Tilly, Pamela Anderson, the list goes on. It’s only a matter of time before “chapters” will become a breast synonym and asking someone if they’ve read any good books lately will initiate locker-room tales of “creasing her spine until even used bookstores wouldn’t take her.”

Bookselling is a business. Attractive people sell things. We understand that. But when the product being sold is cerebral, why does a beautiful spokesperson (which I argue is essentially what many of these celebrity novelists are; those with ghostwriters) even matter? Are cover bylines and dust-jacket photos really that sexy? Or are most of these “fair weather” readers simply retarded?

The latter. Definitely. That’s not the question, here. The real question is whether or not it’s still feasible for authors to make a good living by writing intellectually stimulating literature without having the commercial backing of a celebrity or the commercial appeal of being a celebrity themselves. My hope, of course, is that if a book is artistically brilliant, it doesn’t need to be commercially brilliant; brilliant should sell intrinsically. But with that logic, I’m probably the retarded one.

So what is this ugly author going to do? Become an accomplice. I’ve got a few completely finished novel manuscripts, ready to have a celebrity author name slapped across the cover and printed for much monetary gain. I’m serious. Contact me.

@ Blinding Loud, Sean P. Ferguson gives some great words about Charactered Pieces:

The stories don’t change you because they cause you to rethink how you’re living in some great respect. You’re not forced on with issues that want you to decide whether or not to have an abortion, or pick a side when it comes to same sex marriage. They don’t beat down your door demanding that you give all of your belongings to charity. You’re presented with life and the ability to deal with what you’re dealt. Now put down what you’re doing, read, and start to live. Really live. Because if these people can, so can you, we all have Charactered Pieces in us.

@ kenwohlrob.com, site namesake and author, Ken Wohlrob, says some very flattering things about Charactered Pieces:

The prose is punchy and has a great rhythm to it, especially when the stories are told in first person. Ross nails his character’s voices, so you can feel yourself sitting in a bar and hearing the grim tales first hand. “Charactered Pieces,” “The Camp,” and “An Optimist is the Human Personification of Spring” — the best of the stories where you can’t help being drawn into the lives of the narrators — are worth the cover price alone.

@ Trick with a Knife, I’m contributing sporadic rants, opinions, essays, whatever strikes me (in accordance to their mission, of course:)

Trick with a Knife is the internet destination for commentary, opinion, and tidbits related to the artistic and literary scenes. Our contributors are writers and artists who are passionate about words and images and sounds.

@ RedRoom, Vicki Nikolaidis writes some great words about Charactered Pieces. She even comments on the cover art. Me, as just an armchair artist at best, takes this compliment especially well:

His phenomenal artwork graces the cover, but don’t look too hard, the drawing will make sense later…before you understand what is happening it is your world and you will be sharing a space in your brain with Charactered Pieces several weeks after you thought you had finished the stories.

Right away, let me say that this interview is fake. For the real, and much more interesting interview between Tim Hall and Scott McClanahan, click here. Why fake an interview with Tim Hall? I’m procrastinating work on my current novel.

Tim Hall (TH): Your book is built around my two favorite themes of creative writing: autobiographical fiction mixed with a geographical/sociological postcard of a place. It’s like a portrait of the artist in the “staycation” from hell. What made you decide to “go Winesburg” and create the semi-fictional town of Rainelle, WV to tell your stories?

Caleb J Ross (CJR): Did you even read my book? What they hell is a Rainelle? Is that some kind of gazelle? It should be. Maybe I’ll write a story about that.  Then I’ll put that story in a collection that is both autobiographic and postcard-like so it fits your summation of my book.

TH: Long Island, where I grew up, certainly has a lot of the same types of people and problems that you describe in Stories; it’s almost a spectacularly evil place, filled with horrible people who have been driven insane essentially by traffic jams and a culture of pure consumption. You write about some pretty intense, damaged, but very recognizable and human types in your book: what would you say drives the extremes of their behaviors? Do you see Rainelle’s problems with drugs and teen pregnancy, for example, as something unique to to the local economy or demographics, or [due to] more universal American qualities?

CJR: So, first you call my stuff autobiographical and they you say the book is full of horrible people? Your are some piece of work, my friend. I’ll have you know that my life is full of kind, gentle people who are only occasionally horrible. Except my Uncle Ned. He’s horrible all the time. He’s drunk all the time. Meaning, all drunk people are horrible. I’m gonna get a beer.

TH: A lot of the people who move to the big cities are those who came from towns or families where being an artist, or gay, or just different could get them beaten or worse. So it’s certainly understandable and even necessary for them to go someplace where they find like souls and feel secure to be themselves. Have you thought about leaving West Virginia and relocating someplace else, like L.A. or NY or S.F.?

CJR:I thought about leaving West Virginia once. It was two minutes after I got there. Take that state I’ve never actually been to (but would love to; call me West Virgina (smiley-emoticon)!

TH: Thanks for your time, Scott. Last question(s): What are you working on now? Also, anything else you’d like to say about your book before we sign off?

CJR:I’m working on two things. One, changing my name to Scott to help continuity here, and two, a novel that should have my attention, instead of this stupid stolen interview.

For more information on Scott McClanahan please visit his website and for more from Tim hall please check out his blog.

…but they don’t say what should be read.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ll be one of a great group of writers to read at Leela European Café on April 9^th in Denver. I’ve done a few readings in the past, despite the live aspect being something writers don’t often get to experience. I’ve been lucky, I guess.

I am perhaps more excited to see and meet these people more than I am to actually read some of my own work. That’s natural. I’m humble by nature. Humble and handsome.

The unwritten rule is that writers should read from something either freshly published or contracted for publication. For me, that would be my story collection, Charactered Pieces. But another, perhaps not entirely unwritten rule, is that when crowds and drinks are involved, the best type of material to read is work both funny and short. Charactered Pieces, though it contains elements of each, doesn’t contain any stories that would fit both of those qualifications equally enough to warrant the rapt attention of the audience (which I expect to be huge! You hear me! Be there or be dead!). The bar is high, as I’ve been to both Chuck Palahniuk readings (refreshingly interactive meets his morbid material makes for strange group of lit lovers, videos here, and don’t forget all the people who fainted during his Guts tour) and Dorothy Allison readings (the last, her 2009 AWP appearance which was followed by the only performance worthy of her opening, a performance from Mucca Pazza (this review calls them a ragtag band…they simply don’t know the wonder that is Mucca Pazza).

So, I’ve decided to write two entirely new pieces for the event. One involves my plea for corporate sponsorship. The other involves my plea for free beer. It’s a bit scary to debut something in front of a crowd of strangers, but I guess that’s better than waiting until a piece is printed before finding out it sucks.

What sort of material do you (or would you, if you’ve never been to a live reading) want to hear?

I probably don’t do enough promoting other writers here. I don’t know why. Perhaps I fear that any writers I mention will feel obligated to reciprocate kind words, while not necessarily having justification for such. So, for all the writers I mention here, you are free to slander my name without fear of any hostilities on my part.

Richard Thomas, throbbing heart heart throb and master of duct tape

Though too early really to benefit my good man Richard Thomas as far as direct sales go, it’s never too early to push a friend’s work. In June, Richard’s novel, Transubstantiate, will be the debut novel from Otherworld Publications. They’ve got a good seed with this one; I’ve had the pleasure of reading an early version of the novel.

From the official press release:

About Transubstantiate:

“They say Jimmy made it out.  But the postcards we get, well, they don’t seem…real.”

When an experiment with population control works too well, and the planet is decimated, seven broken people are united by a supernatural bond in a modern day Eden.  Most on the island are fully aware of this prison disguised as an oasis.  Unfortunately, Jimmy is on the mainland, desperate to get back, in a post-apocalyptic stand-off, fighting for his survival and that of his unborn child.  Back on the island, Jacob stares at the ocean through his telescope and plots his escape, reluctant to aid the cause.  Marcy tries to hide from her past, sexual escapades that may be her saving grace.  X sits in his compound, a quiet, massive presence, trapped in his body by ancient whispers and yet free in spirit to visit other places and times.  Roland, the angry, bitter son of Marcy is determined to leave, and sets out on his own.  Watching over it all is Assigned, the ghost in the machine.  And coming for them, to exact revenge, and finish the job that the virus started, is Gordon.  He just landed on the island and he has help.

Transubstantiate is a neo-noir thriller, filled with uncertainty at every portal, and jungles infiltrated with The Darkness. Vivid settings, lyrical language, and a slow reveal of plot, motivation, past crimes and future hope collide in a showdown that keeps you guessing until the final haunting words.

Transubstantiate: to change from one substance into another.

Nik Korpon, life wrangler and cunning existentialist

And with the same press will come Nik Korpon’s novel, Stay God, which I’ve also had the extreme pleasure of reading. Korpon’s got a literary voice that can’t be ignored (unless you can’t read; in which case, ignore away).

From the official press release:

About Stay God:

Damon lives a content life, playing video games and dealing drugs from his second-hand store while his girlfriend, Mary, drops constant hints about marriage. If only he could tell her his name isn’t really Damon. If only he could tell her who he really is. But after he witnesses a friend’s murder, a scarlet woman glides into his life, offering the solution to all of his problems. His carefully constructed existence soon shatters like crystal teardrops and he must determine which ghosts won’t stay buried—and which ones are trying to kill him—if he wants to learn why Mary has disappeared.

Both authors will be reading at the OW Press The Velvet reading in April, too. So, if you are in Denver, show up and throw stuff at them.

I read somewhere (or maybe I didn’t; reading is for suckers) that the author/promoter divide is a 70/30 ratio. I’d go further, and flip those numbers, giving the promoter hat a 70% weight. If I’ve learned anything with pushing Charactered Pieces these last few months it’s this: writing is a dirty, dirty game.

The dream of churning out books, leaving the advertising and promotion to the publisher, is more a point of Norman Rockwell Nostalgia than a truth. Or at least my experience of it is. Of course, I accept that this may be my own inadequacies speaking, as some authors do get to live the dream. But most do not. Definitely fewer than in years past. Or is that statement also romanticized nostalgia?

Over the past few months, since Charactered Pieces’s November 16^th, 2009 release, I’ve been guilt-ridden for my relative unproductively. When compared historically, this last quarter or so has been remarkably and dishearteningly word-free. But a sudden realization, perhaps evoked by a recent email conversation with author, Pablo D’Stair, made me realize just how much I have actually done these past months. So, as a way to comfort myself, here’s a list of my recent writing-related accomplishments.

1. Promotion. I’ve considered it a hindrance to writing all this time, but really I must think of it as network-building, as meeting more people who could very well become important components to my writing. Pablo D’Stair, for instance, we would not have met had it not been for my incessant (re: annoying) promotion.
2. Tim Hall’s One Damn Thing After Another. I helped bring this fantastic collection to light. Who the hell am I to think of that as time wasted?
3. Revised chapters of my novel-in-progress. I’m working through revisions on one of my unfinished novels, with the help of some very talented writer friends. Since January, I’ve edited five chapters. Some of the changes have been substantial and could be considered full rewrites. Meaning: I get to credit that as writing time.
4. Outsider Writers Collective. I’ve unexpectedly taken on a stronger role over at www.OutsiderWriters.org, which included updating the website in January. Hopefully, the redesign makes for a better experience. The traffic numbers seem to show that more people are visiting. That, or SPAMbots.
5. AWP Blog. In preparation for my April trip to Denver for the AWP (Association of Writers and Writing Projects) Conference, I set up a blog (http://www.calebjross.com/awpblog/) which consists of writer contributors who will document the conference via Twitter, TwitPic, YouTube, and traditional blog posts. Gathering contributors, setting up panelist interviews, and spreading the word have taken quite a bit of time. Not to mention the…
6. AWP off-site reading. I organized a reading at Leela’s European Café  in Denver for April 9^th, which will feature OW Press authors/contributors and members of The Velvet writing community. You’ll get tired of me talking about this, for sure; I am damn excited. And on this topic, another ellipsis…
7. New stories for AWP reading. The standard reading usually features an author reading from his/her most recent release. This is fine. Most of the time. But I anticipate drinks and noise being involved, so something short and funny would probably work better (my Holocaust story, “The Camp,” may be funny to some, but it’s probably not a safe bet to count on an audience full of Nazis). So, I have started a couple new pieces. I feel great about them.
8. Conversation with Pablo D’Stair. I’ve never met anyone more passionate about literature than this guy. He thrives on conversation about words. He isn’t interested in profiting from his writing, nor is he interested in helping others to profit. He is the consummate literary philosopher. Over the last month or so, we’ve had a great back-and-forth via email about Charactered Pieces (and writing in general), that I understand he intends to print as part of a rebirth of his magazine, Predicate. He pulled a lot out of me that had been simmering for a number of years. More on this to come once it is printed.

So, the lesson: I’m not as lazy and fat as I thought.

Photo credit:

Mlaz Corbier, well-read crazy man and all-around glorious inbastard, offered to translate my story, “The Camel of Morocco,” into Dutch (mainly for a university class, but I like to pretend my work is so captivating that it demands translation). I don’t read Dutch, so it is entirely possible that Mlaz may have turned this story into a space operatic porn, and if so, I would be equally as impressed and grateful. And considering Mr. Corbier’s reputation, one of wise-crackery, I am actually certain of such.

My hat is off to this good man. He took time out of his day to open one of my stories up to an entirely new audience.

Photo credit:

Lauren Conrad, of The Hills fame, is reading Craig Clevenger’s The Contortionist’s Handbook. Let me repeat…no, just read that sentence again; this is text, not audio, you lazy bastard.

What does this mean to those of us who have long been in the know about Clevenger’s amazing writing? The optimist in me says, “great, maybe good literature will catch on to the reality TV addicted masses.” The pessimist in me, one admittedly self-interested, says, “there goes my dirty little hipster secret.”

This forces the question: are some books considered good, simply because they aren’t so widely accepted? Think of the hipster elitist who will parade his love of fifteen obscure films before admitting his having read even one best-seller. The logic is always that the blockbuster shit is crap.

For the most part, I would agree (Cormac McCarthy’s The Road is one recent best-seller that I would defend to the grave). Best-sellers often cater to the lowest common denominator, ensuring commercial success, but by intention never willing to alienate a reader, re: never willing to say anything truly important. This isn’t the hipster in me talking; this is the commercial model, tried and true.

So, when something like this happens, where a celebrity endorsement pushes a book that by no means caters to the lowest common denominator, what happens? Is this how paradigm shifts start? After Oprah’s promotion of The Road, has the audience for intelligent post-apocalyptic books increased? Or, will future post-apocalyptic books simply be dumbed down, giving the new audience what they want, but not willing to push the genre even further?

For now, this once, I think I have to give a reality star my blessing.