Just when you thought you had over a year before getting offended by a book from me (I Didn’t Mean to Be Kevin, November 2011), I go and do something crazy like sign with another publisher to release a novel in March 2011. Stranger Will, a noir story of apathy and abortion, is coming early next year from Otherworld Publications.

Otherworld Publications is a young publisher, but one with an impressive drive to promote its authors. This fact is not the sole reason I signed with them, though. This press seems to have acknowledged something that I, and the below authors, have known for a long time: The Velvet and The Cult are cesspools of untapped talent. Of the 11 current Otherworld authors (some noted on the Otherworld site, others not yet public knowledge), 5 have grown up at The Velvet and/or The Cult forums. I think we have Mr. Richard Thomas (Otherworld’s first author) to thank, as I am certain his word helped shimmy all of us followers in the door.

Be on the lookout for these other forthcoming titles:

December 2010 | Stay God by Nik Korpon. I had the privilege of reading an early draft of this novel. It’s good. Damn good. Preorder it in October.

2011 | Out of Touch by Brandon Tietz. Otherworld is republishing Tietz’s originally self-published novel of decadence and excess turned sour

2011 | We Are Oblivion by Michael Sonbert. I have his debut, The Neverenders, high on my to-read shelf. It is above Paul Auster and a book about beer. Consider my expectations high.

The newest episode of Futurama featured a suspiciously eReader-esque device, which got me thinking, yet again, about my inevitable adoption of an eReader.

I’ve held off so far for two main reasons:

1. I simply like having books. Yes, possibly just to show off for my two friends who would be impressed by a bookshelf, but also because I feel that the nurtured associations of a book–the smell, the feel of the pages, the statement of class–are part of the reading experience and actually add to the overall gratification of a finished book.
2. No single eReader delivers what I want.

And what do I want?

• Low price point. Overall, eReaders have recently dropped in price, which is encouraging. But still I feel that $149 is too much.
• E-ink screen. Fuck the LCD. This  means no Literati reader. Sad, too, because I was really looking forward to that one.
• Ownership of files. Some people don’t realize that when you purchase a book for your Kindle, you don’t actually own the file. Amazon does. I want a copy on my local computer.
• Choice of storefront. Again, a fault of the Kindle. This device can only read .pdfs and Amazon files. I’m uncomfortable with being forced to suckle a single teet.
• Ability to read a variety of file formats. The Sony eReader and the Cool-er Reader can read many different formats including .pdf and the (slowly becoming) industry standard ePub format. But store options for purchasing the books are still limited.

I am getting closer. But come on industry! Give me what I want.

Below is the list of the top ten most frequently challenged books of 2009 as gathered from the American Library Association website. I completely understand the low priority some place upon books compared to other forms of media. However, I don’t understand why books would need to be burned. Think of it this way, if I had two children, I would probably like one more than the other. That doesn’t mean I should burn one (I’ll let the sun do that, when I allow my least favorite child to play outside all day without sunblock. Blame averted).

Being invested in the publishing industry, I feel I should fight back. Note: I have not read all of these books, nor do I know what many of them are even about. But if I’ve learned anything from the mere existence of a banned books list, it is that arguments don’t have to respect the source material or the material’s context. It’s fun to hate!

10. “The Chocolate War,” by Robert Cormier

Reasons: Nudity, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group

Un-Reasons: I had to Google this book to determine its content, and honestly I feared what searching “the chocolate war” would return. I can count the number racially explicit scenarios that would use this phrase on two hands. I can count the number of pornographically explicit possibilities on one hand…the other is busy. Granted, the SERP (that’s Search Engine Results Page for you people with a life) yielded nothing questionable, but the simple fact that it could have is enough to keep this book off of the banned books list. If my mind is filthier than the book title, then the book isn’t worth battling over.

9. “The Color Purple,” Alice Walker

Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group

Un-Reasons: Can we get over this book already? The people who question this book are likely racist. It’s just that “Blackieness” wasn’t an available check box on the official challenged book request form, or as it is known among dissenters: “Show Off Your WASPy Prudishness” ballot.

8. “The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big, Round Things,” by Carolyn Mackler

Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group

Un-Reasons: Kids grow up faster these days than in days past. “My Butt” being a “Round Thing” is probably offensive only to those people who also take offense to the implication of the Earth being round.

7. “My Sister’s Keeper,” by Jodi Picoult

Reasons: Sexism, Homosexuality, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Religious Viewpoint, Unsuited to Age Group, Drugs, Suicide, Violence

Un-Reasons: My wife read this. She’s still cool. And believe me, my wife has plenty of opportunities for commonalities among lame-ohs who challenge books. She loves guinea pigs. She dances with her thumbs in the air. She can’t pronounce “Parmesan.” I could go on, but I won’t, because I love her too much to disrespect her with a fourth item in this list.

6. “Catcher in the Rye,” by J.D. Salinger

Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group

Un-Reasons:

5. Twilight (series) by Stephenie Meyer

Reasons: Sexually Explicit, Religious Viewpoint, Unsuited to Age Group

Un-Reasons: No, the real reason these books should be banned is because they are everywhere. I’m sick of telling people about William Gay’s “Twilight,” only to be raped by Stephenie Meyer “Twilight” fans. Also, to call this book sexually explicit is to insult all the creative whores out there who work hard to freak out horny dudes (or women, or animals, or kitchen appliances, or plumbing supplies, or…). Making out with a vampire and/or werewolf is like 2nd base stuff to today’s kids.

4. “To Kill A Mockingbird,” by Harper Lee

Reasons: Racism, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group

Un-Reasons: See “The Color Purple” above.

3. “The Perks of Being A Wallflower,” by Stephen Chbosky

Reasons: Homosexuality, Sexually Explicit, Anti-Family, Offensive Language, Religious Viewpoint, Unsuited to Age Group, Drugs, Suicide

Un-Reasons: So many teenagers are depressed antisocial-ites. Let them have a book whose title implies pride and self-respect, and stop shoving morally definite books, that polarize homosexuality, language, and religion, at your kids. The world is ambiguous; embrace it.

2. “And Tango Makes Three” by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson

Reasons: Homosexuality

Un-Reasons: “Two male authors,” you say. “Gross.” What if Tango is Jesus and he’s there to cure the authors of their homosexuality. Or you okay, now?

1. “TTYL; TTFN; L8R, G8R (series), by Lauren Myracle

Reasons: Nudity, Sexually Explicit, Offensive Language, Unsuited to Age Group, Drugs

Un-Reasons: We managed through 9 items before hitting a book that is offensive not just to people, but to the English language as well. This is very impressive considering IM acronyms are as a common as…typing “IM” instead of “Instant Message.” Does this mean that the English language has not yet devolved far enough from the Queen’s English to have become unrecognizable, and that novels are still culturally relevant, meaning that they should be examined closely for moral alignment? WTF is wrong with you? Language evolves. The good words live (Boner: [boh-ner]-n, slang an erection of the penis ) while the bad ones die (Andrew Koenig: -n, the guy who played Boner in the 1980s sitcom Family Ties)

I bring you #4 of a hopefully long-lived series: Kansas City Reading Coves.

When I can, I like my coves like my burning crosses: smokey and offensive to most.

Today’s cove: Cigar & Tabac, Ltd – 6898 West 105th Street, Overland Park, KS 66212-1801

I have purchased many a cigar in this place over the last year or so, each time bypassing the giant leather couches for the equally giant walk-in humidor stationed along this small shop’s north wall. I envied the old men each time, wishing I had a few moments to crash, take in a cigar, a book, and a few overheard conversations regarding golf or lawn care or something else just as fitting to the cigar stereotype. This evening, my birthday, I finally allowed myself a few moments to live this dream.

For the most part, my envy was justified. But what comes with romanticizing a book and a cigar in a place like this, are the same associations that make it hard for me fall entirely into the dream. Golf on the TV, men talking about boats, and lots of Republicans. I need to bring a black guy with me next time to air out the place.

Rankings out of 10:

Today is my birthday. I’m not much of a celebrator of this, or any, traditionally celebrated day. I’m not a scrooge, a prude, or a buzkill. I’m just lazy. But my dis-affection hasn’t stopped others from wishing me all the best on this day.

From family, to Facebook, to forums, virtual and physical friends alike have been fantastic.

Below is an especially warming well-wish:

This day in history (courtesy of Mr. Nic Young)

It’s official. Negotiations have been negotiated. Signatures have been signed. Bells have been sleighed. I Didn’t Mean to Be Kevin will be published in late 2011 by Black Coffee Press. I’ll keep this announcement short and tidy; there is plenty of time for me to drone on about how proud I am of this book. For now, just make sure your nutting pants are clean.

Perhaps not coincidentally, I do drink my coffee black.

Black Coffee Press has a quite a list of books lined up for 2011-12. Some I am especially looking forward to are:

A Shiny, Unused Heart by J.A. Tyler (2011)

This guy is everywhere. J.A. Tyler is one of those names that materializes on every lit site, from the smallish to the giantish. Sometimes I theorize these appearances are simply to make me feel inadequate. Well done, sir.

Code for Failure by Ryan W. Bradley (2012)

Again, a writer whose name appears everywhere. I am not as familiar with Mr. Bradley’s work as I am with the other two fellows on my list, but based on what I do know, Code for Failure is not code for failure (ha, see what I did there).

When You Are Sleeping I Will Evolve Into A Bird by Nathan Tyree (2012)

Nathan Tyree and I put together a grand collection of stores called Oprah Read This >> Oprah, Read This, featuring too many fabulous writers to list here. Go to the site, read the stories, and anticipate Tyree’s Black Coffee Press book.

It has been 10 years since a living novelist has appeared on the cover of Time (since Stephen King in 2000). So why does Jonathan Franzen get to right this wrong? Why not me? “Because you’ve never had a novel published,” you say. True. Though smell on the street is that travesty will soon to be rectified….more to come on that lovely bit of teasery a bit later.

Until then, come on, you be the judge. I make a damn good counterpoint.

In my continuing hunt for literary references in cartoons, I sometimes forget those that have been with me for years. I’ve long been a fan of Family Guy, and the episode “Peterotica” features some delightfully tacky parodies of contemporary classic novels used as the titles for Peter Griffin’s erotica writings. Enjoy. If you feel so inclined, watch the full episode here.

Angela’s Asses by Peter Griffin	Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt
Shaved New World by Peter Griffin	Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
Harry Potter and the Half Black Chick by Peter Griffin	Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K Rowling

Ever since I made my first “Great Unexpected Literary References” post, I seem to have grown keen to book mentions in cartoons. And to be honestly, none has surprised me more than Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery,” a short story that I assumed was only known among the academic literary cliques. But no. Unless of course Matt Groening, Trey Parker, and Matt Stone were all at one time part of a literary clique. I wouldn’t doubt this; those guys are smart.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone I mentioned regarding “The Lottery,” in my first “Great Unexpected Literary References” post. Today, I bring you a brief mention in Matt Groening’s “The Simpsons,” this one from an older episode called “Dog of Death.”

The Simpsons | “Dog of Death” (the image above is a bit fuzzy. To watch the entire episode, click here)

Authoritarian, paralyzing, circular, occasionally elliptical stock phrases, also jocularly referred to as nuggets of wisdom, are a malignant plague, one of the very worst ever to ravage the earth. We say to the confused, Know thyself, as if knowing yourself was not the fifth and most difficult of human arithmetical operations, we say to the apathetic, Where there’s a will, there’s a way, as if the brute realities of the world did not amuse themselves each day by turning that phrase on its head, we say to the indecisive, Begin at the beginning, as if beginning were the clearly visible point of a loosely wound thread and all we had to do was to keep pulling until we reached the other end, and as if, between the former and the latter, we had held in our hands a smooth, continuous thread with no knots to untie, no snarls to untangle, a complete impossibility in the life of a skein, or indeed, if we may be permitted one more stock phrase, in the skein of life.

-from The Cave (pg 56)

photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ninapetita/